Worth of a Soul

For my birthday, my parents insisted that my sister take me out to dinner and a movie for them. In fact, my father insisted on a specific movie, namely McFarland USA, another one of those underdog/true story/athlete movies. "Try to get out tomorrow afternoon and see the movie. It is uplifting and you'll like it. Sometimes you need that," he said.

Man! It was good, but boy, it was absolutely exhausting.

When you watch movies, do you connect them to real life? As you're seeing events and getting to know characters, do you connect them to people that you know and love already?

Watching McFarland USA, I kept remembering all the people in my life that were born to difficult circumstances. From the moment that they entered this life, the odds were stacked against them, and they have been struggling ever since. Some of them have managed to rise above their circumstances. Others are slave to them. A lot of people are in between the two extremes, increasing or decreasing their talents (in bible terms) at different rates.

The point is that as great as McFarland USA was, a lot of underdogs don't ride off into the sunset. And what often makes the difference between their success and failure? In the case of the McFarland track team, Jim White was the difference. In general, the difference is one person that is willing to dedicate himself to a seemingly impossible cause. I care about people so much that I want to make that difference. But as an individual, what cause do I champion? What impossibility do I dare to entertain?

Because here's the problem; the world will never be perfect, and at any given point in time, someone will always need something. If I try to save everyone, I become like a candle trying to warm the face of an icy land; spread the heat of a candle across the face of a world, and the candle is extinguished and the world no warmer. But yet I continue to try! I feel the suffering and injustice within my own small sphere, and I cry out, "how can I possibly rest when others are suffering? How can I possibly take time for myself when someone's life could be better because of me? How can I selfishly look out for my best interests when I've already been given privileges that others can only wish for?" 

This struggle makes me appreciate the Savior all the more. He was strong enough to give us the Atonement, strong enough to carry us with all of our pain and sin. I cannot even withstand a smallest part of that burden. But again, I ask, "How can I take care of myself instead of someone else, even if I'm past my breaking point?" When I think of the world, I feel the pang of lost potential. It doesn't matter to me if I'm trying really hard, or if I've "done my part." People are what matter to me, not the effort I put into them, so I will literally run myself into the ground before accepting that I cannot change their circumstances.

And that's wrong.

Two things. First off, it really is the Savior's job. I cannot and should not try to be the Savior; that's diminishing the sacrifice that He gave. A part of having faith in the Savior is trusting that He can take care of our Father's children. By no means should we become complacent; often, we turn a blind eye to suffering because we feel satisfied with ourselves. Rather, we should approach life with the idea of achieving the ultimate good.

Because secondly--and this is something that I need to understand better--we literally cannot comprehend the worth of a human soul. Even mine. The ultimate good isn't a matter of statistics. There is no trade that would make the sacrifice of my soul worth it, because the infinite worth of my soul cannot be outweighed by even an infinity of other souls. No soul can be sacrificed in the name of goodness. In giving up my own well-being for another's, I deny the Atonement of Jesus Christ, the Son of God who has already paid for my life and happiness. Who am I to reject His gift of happiness? who am I to tell the buyer that His goods aren't worth the ultimate price that He paid?

I will spend my entire life trying to serve God as well as my spiritual brothers and sisters. I remember those that feel they can't succeed, that are blinkered by circumstances beyond their control. I remember those that don't even have horses to ride off into the sunset, let alone a teacher to show them how. And not only do I remember, but I will try to remove the blinkers, to provide the horses and training. I will try to be a Jim White, because it is denying my power as a child of God and their worth as human beings if I decline to serve my fellow men. But I will not try to be the Savior (or at least I will try not to try to be the Savior). His burden would crush me, and my soul is irreplaceable. And just because I take time to be well, doesn't mean that others will fail; I will trust my Savior to take care of them too.

But here's a question for you; when you walk away from inspiring movies, does it feed your complacency or drive you to greater heights?  

Resurrected Dead Horse

Yesterday, I volunteered at the mental hospital. This facility is for patients struggling with various mental disorders, and each Sunday, they ask a different YSA ward to take care of sacrament meeting. It's a beautiful experience. As a cherry on top, I was asked to give a talk on faith and hope.

I love Heavenly Father; sometimes, He gives me talks as a huge hint as to what I need to work on.

At the hospital as I looked out over the congregation, I felt connected to them; I could see the pain and struggle in their faces, and I felt like in many ways, I was among kindred spirits. So I started to share things more personal that I had originally planned, saying something like this...

"Have you ever been in so much emotional pain that your  literal heart hurts constantly? To have no reprieve even when you sleep because you have nightmares every night? This was my life at about two years ago. It took tremendous effort to keep going, and I took on a study of Alma 5 in an attempt to find healing. I took particular interest in the difference between faith and hope.

Russel M. Nelson says, "Faith is rooted in Jesus Christ. Hope centers in the Atonement." This, combined with my personal experiences, tells me that the difference between faith and hope is the same as the difference between believing in Christ and believing Christ. Faith is a a belief in something true, whereas hope is the uplifting acceptance that something is true for me personally. Hope allows the Atonement to become effective in my life, because hope allows me to open my vulnerable heart to His healing power. 

The Savior lived, suffered, and died so that He could succor all of us according to our very individual needs. Choose to believe Him as well as believe in Him. He loves us, and even when it feels like there is no end to suffering, things get better through the Atonement of Jesus Christ."

As I gave this talk, I knew that what I said was true. I had first hand experience. I had felt the intense, undeniable healing power of the Atonement.

But do I feel so now?

The details of my story are different. A couple years ago, I learned about how the Atonement can alleviate pain. But now I need to learn more about how the Atonement can change my deepest fears and struggles. I haven't trusted my Savior like I should, and I haven't trusted my connection to Him like I should, preferring to listen to other people that think that they know what is best for me...I'm a slow learner. I'm grateful that Heavenly Father has found different ways to beat this dead horse; this dead horse is quite appreciative that through the Atonement, it can live again.

I'm grateful for those who support me. I have people that love me so much, and they have tried their absolute hardest to help me. But in the end, it is only my Savior that can help me. Only He and I, working together, can heal and change me. And this day, I choose to allow Him to make that difference. I choose to trust my Savior with my heart.

Believing Christ versus Believing in Christ

This next excerpt is from a blog post that I never posted, but I think I should now:

"This week, I went to institute. I didn’t necessarily want to—I was having a hard day, and I wanted to be alone—but one of my good friends had already agreed to come with me. This was a big deal because she isn’t active in the church, and so going to institute could be a really good thing for her. So despite my reluctance, I went. And not only did my friend come, but my nonmember Thai roommate came as well. It was too good an opportunity to miss.

I went to the Book of Mormon class, and I don’t know how powerful it was for my friend and roommate, but the lesson was really powerful for me. You see, I’ve been struggling with worth in a unique way. I don’t feel useless, on the contrary, I feel like Heavenly Father can use me pretty well. I feel like I benefit the human race. But I don't feel like I have any worth beyond my ability to help people; I view myself as a tool. My happiness and well-being aren’t important beyond the need for me to be of functional use to someone else. These feelings stem from a relationship that I had for the first part of college that was traumatic for me, and the thought patterns are deeply engrained.

But during institute, I caught a glimpse of what Heavenly Father wants me to see. It only lasted for a few moments, and it seemingly came out of nowhere, but it gives me a goal to strive for.

In a feeling of peace, He told me that I was good. I wasn’t irreparable, and I should trust His servants when they said I was good enough.

And then, in class, we read (1 Nephi 21:14-16);

But, behold, Zion hath said: The Lord hath forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me—but he will show that he hath not.

 For can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee, O house of Israel.

 Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.

The Atonement is real. I have a Savior that suffered and died for me, and His atonement covers me completely. I am not an exception to His love, and He doesn’t want me to suffer. He wants a contrite heart and spirit. He looks at the intents and desires of my heart. I am so imperfect and inadequate, but my efforts are what He sees. And I love Him so much! I want to spend my existence serving Him! My truest joy comes from drawing closer to Him and seeing others do the same. I have “no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually” (Mosiah 5:2).

It’s an interesting experience to have the Lord tell your spirit something that your mind and body can’t comprehend. I felt the peace in the message from my Heavenly Father. I felt the hope that comes with it. But once the message was over, I felt confused. I didn’t understand…my thought patterns for the past few years had told me something very different. The neural pathways of self-deprecation were thick and deep. But for a moment, Heavenly Father showed me a truth that I needed to learn to accept. Healing takes time, but through the Savior, healing is always possible. Instead of merely believing in Christ, believing the He existed and did wonderful things, I choose to believe Him. I choose to believe Him when He says that he can heal me. "

The Savior is real, and the His gift of the Atonement is real. I need to act like the Atonement is as real as the law of Gravity. I need to rely on His gift as much as I rely on the air I breathe.

A New Appreciation for the Resurrection

I was watching a Mormon Message called Our Eternal Life today about the Plan of Salvation, and at one point in the video, the narrator mentions something about lack of a body separating us from Heavenly Father. I was confused by this idea, thinking about how we lived with Heavenly Father before we were born; last time I checked, we only have bodies after birth, not before it.

I went to discuss the thought with my roommate Deb Hutchins, a recent return missionary. She brought up a couple of ideas, such as the fact that to become like Heavenly Father we need bodies; in this way, lack of a body makes us less like Him and therefore further from Him.

At that moment, I realized something that I hadn't thought about before; follow my thought process.

In the pre-mortal world, we were spirits.

Heavenly Father is a physical being with a body of flesh and blood.

From my understanding, spirit matter is finer than physical matter and goes right through it...

I've probably never given Heavenly Father a hug.

As funny as it sounds, this realization made me so sad. I actually started crying. Yeah, maybe I'm a little ridiculous. But the fact of the matter is, I love Heavenly Father soooooo much, and it breaks my heart that I've never thanked Him with something so simple as a heartfelt hug. Through this, I have found a greater appreciation for the gift of the Resurrection from my Savior. When the Millennium comes and I get to be resurrected, I want to be righteous enough that I can walk up to my Father and give Him my first hug. I want Him to know that I am sooooo grateful for everything that He has made of me and used me for. He is my Father, and I am His daughter! I am so grateful for Him! I cannot express it! And as one of my friends wittily remarked, now I have something to add to my After-Death Bucket List: hugging Heavenly Father.

Prompted to Pray

There is something really special about being prompted to pray on someone's behalf. There have been a couple times in my recent past when I've been with dear friends who were drowning in their own suffering. I didn't know what to say to help them find peace. I knew how much they were loved, and I could see how bright their future was, but I didn't know how to convey this to them. Words about Heavenly Father and our Savior's Atonement made them retreat into their own pain (if it had any effect at all), but I knew that true comfort could come only from their Lord.

And then my Heavenly Father asked me to pray. As promptings often do for me, it came like a pinprick to my subconscious... sort of like when someone unexpectedly calls your name from across the room while you're focusing on something else.

We got down on our knees, side by side, and stayed quiet for a moment. And in that moment, the feeling in the room changed. It was as if we were in an office with our Heavenly Father, and He was waiting for the conversation to start. And when I opened my mouth, the Holy Ghost whispered to my mind and heart the words that I needed to say. I felt so close to my Father. I could feel His tremendous compassion, peace, and light encircle my heart. I could feel the blessings of my baptismal covenant as I represented my Savior by praying for and in behalf of someone else.

And by the time our prayer came to a close, I think that my friends could feel peace too. There were no more tears. There was no more tension. They were very still. In one case, when I began to end the prayer, my friend asked me to continue because of the beautiful spirit that was present.  In the other, we didn't move after the prayer ended, appreciating the feeling that lingered with us like the last echoes of music in a concert hall. In both cases, the spirit touched their hearts enough to bring them a humble desire to receive their Father's comfort; and not only did it bring all of us closer to our Father, but it brought us closer together. I am reminded of the scripture that says "where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them" (Matthew 18:19-20).

Our Heavenly Father loves His children so much. He does everything He can to help them. And it is His Spirit that can touch their hearts and bring them hope. It is the Atonement of His Only Begotten Son that can cleanse them. But when I was baptized, I made a covenant with my Savior to keep His commandments, remember Him always, and take His name upon me; as His servant, I represent Him and participate in His wonderful work to "bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man" (Moses 1:39). Everyone who has been baptized and confirmed does the same.

I am so grateful for the opportunities that I have to serve my Heavenly Father as well as those I love. I'm so grateful that I can learn from all the wonderful people around me and be a part of their lives. I find that as I draw closer to Heavenly Father, I cannot help but love all of His children; His love deepens my friendships. I testify that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is real, and I promise that our Heavenly Father speaks to His children everyday.

Serving the Savior When He was Alone

Jesus Christ.

I can't express how grateful I am for my Savior. Literally. I'm sitting here, and I cannot find words intense enough or fervent enough to express what is so precious to me. Our relationship has deepened beyond what I ever thought possible.

I think of how He suffered for me in the Garden, living my unique life in all its imperfection so that He could empathize with me perfectly. I think of how His love and sacrifice are rejected by so many.

I cannot find the words.

Everyday, I try to think of how I can show my gratitude. I try to live a happy, righteous life because I want Him to feel at home in it, not only now, but when He lived it in the Garden. I want to make my life as pleasant an experience as possible for Him to go through. My friends have heard me say this before.

A different perspective occurred to me today.

First off, put yourself in the Savior's shoes as He suffered in the Garden. As the Savior, you've never experienced the pain and guilt associated with sin because you are the only perfect human being that has ever lived. You're like a child in this way. You love your Father and His children so much that you are willing to suffer, though you know that it is the hardest thing that you will ever do.

You are truly alone for the first time ever. Your Father cannot be there for you as you take on the sins of the world. He sends an angel to comfort you, but He cannot be there.

And then you begin to suffer for every human being that has lived or ever will live on the Earth...one by one. You see as they see, feel as they feel, and vicariously do as they do in order that you may succor them and take their sins upon you.  How would it be to have God's infinite love while empathizing perfectly  with the worst of humanity? Empathizing as they raped, tortured, and killed your beloved brothers and sisters? To do so an infinite amount of times? To take someone's sins upon you, even though you know they will not accept your gift?

It would be beyond agonizing. So agonizing that it would cause even God to tremble. (Doctrine and Covenants 19:18-19)

Make it more specific. Imagine that your Savior is suffering as one of your friends when they are in their darkest hour. Your friend's head hangs low, their eyes full of tears and their heart dark with despair; Christ is anguished as He feels their pain, takes it upon Himself, and cannot alleviate it because of their agency.

But then, He hears these words.

"You are a child of Heavenly Father who loves you. He sent His beloved son Jesus Christ to live, suffer, die, and rise again so that you can be happy and return back to Heaven. I testify that if you come to Christ, He will help you through every trial. He will heal your wounds and bring joy to your soul. Life is hard, but you can do it! You can do it! He has already blessed my life a hundred fold, and He longs to do the same for you."

They--your friend and your Savior as He suffers for them--lift their gaze, tears falling and their vision clearing... and they see you.

Your Savior sees you through the eyes of another as He suffers.

He hears your words of encouragement. He sees how much you care, how hard you are trying to be like Him. He sees His gift of the Atonement working through you, changing you before His very eyes to become more like Him. He's grateful that you're grateful, and while He continues to suffer, He finds joy in your deliverance.

When looking through the eyes of another, I want Him to see me staring back at Him. I want Him to see His own countenance shining through my face. I want Him to see the fruits of the Atonement before He is finished, to see the changes that His sacrifice will make in my life. I want Him to see how deeply I love Him for what He's doing.

Because in some small way, I want to be there for Him when He had to be alone.

This perspective helps me too as I interact with my fellow men. Some people have no desire to come to Christ, and they do nothing redeemable that I would like being around them. And in those circumstances, it can be easy to brush them off or be less patient and kind. But if I stare into their eyes, knowing that my Savior at one point stared out of those same exact eyes and saw me staring back...I want to be as Christ-like, as patient, as good as I can be. If every time I make eye contact with someone else, I think of directly serving my Savior, then it will be so much easier to be like Him. After all, when you serve others, you are in the service of your God (Mosiah 2:17).

How (in part) Heavenly Father is Fair When Life Isn't

I talk a lot about how grateful I am for the people in my life and the experiences I have. I've been extremely blessed. I've always been surrounded by wonderful people that I can learn from, and I've always had the gospel in my life. And like anyone else, I'm strongly shaped by the circumstances of my birth and upbringing.

But I also realize that not everyone has stellar backgrounds. Some people have childhoods that haunt them rather than bring them hope, and they don't want those early influences.

But here is something fantastic. None of us are inherently evil because all of us chose to follow our Savior before we were born. The question is whether or not we want to continue following Him by using His Atonement, and "following Him" is a description of progression, not of individual circumstances or choices.

All of the good choices that we made in the pre-mortal life predispose us towards returning to Heavenly Father, whether or not we remember those choices. This experiment demonstrates that point:

There is a condition called anterograde amnesia where people cannot form new memories. In an experiment, patients with this condition were asked to rank six pictures in order from least liked to most liked, and after doing so, the test administrators asked them to choose from their third and fourth preferences for a copy that would be sent to them later in the mail. After the patients chose, the administrators would leave and come back a half hour later, verify that the patients remembered absolutely nothing (including which picture they would own), and then would administer the test again. Oddly enough, their preferences changed. The picture they had chosen to own earlier suddenly was ranked more favorably, and the picture they hadn't chosen was ranked less favorably.(The Surprising Science of Happiness)

In short, they had genuinely changed their desires with the choices that they had made, even though they couldn't remember.

And in spiritual terms, Elder Holland put it this way:

"We must always remember that these investigators, every man, woman, and child, were among the valiant who once overcame Satan by the power of their testimony of Christ! So when they hear others bear that witness of Christ’s saving mission, it has a familiar feeling; it brings an echo of truth they themselves already know."(Jeffrey R. Holland, "Missionary Work and the Atonement)

But then why do people make poor choices? If we have a good foundation from before we were born, why do we stray from it?

First off, let's make one thing clear: our final judgment isn't on whether our hearts are perfect yet--if we had perfect hearts, we wouldn't succumb to sin, and very few of us will reach that point before the first resurrection--but rather we are judged on the direction we are headed. In other words, we are judged on how willing we are to use the Atonement of Christ. Elder D. Todd Christofferson put it beautifully:

"Our invitation to the world is to come unto Christ. Coming unto Christ is an abbreviation, a way of describing in three words the plan of salvation. It means to obtain the fruits of His Atonement and Resurrection—ultimately eternal life. Eternal life depends on the exercise of our moral agency, but it is possible only through the grace of Jesus Christ. To come unto Him means to do what is required to lay hold upon that grace—the pardoning, sanctifying, transforming, redeeming power of His infinite, atoning sacrifice." (D. Todd Christofferson, "Why We Share the Gospel")

This brings me tremendous comfort. We all have a good foundation from before we were born, and it doesn't matter if we start in unequal circumstances, because "coming to Christ" is a direction that can start from any position. And indeed, we all start from different positions in life, hence I loved my childhood whereas some people try to escape theirs. Even our starting velocities are different in part because of our initial positions; because I was exposed to the Gospel early, I could start life by heading directly towards Christ, whereas someone raised in a abusive, drug-addict home might start life heading in the wrong direction. After all, as children we tend to accept the directions and habits of those around us.

But our acceleration is what counts. A person can spend their whole life doing  bad things--heading in the wrong direction--but if they are doing less and less bad things, their acceleration will ultimately turn them around and bring them closer to Christ.  And for an object to accelerate, it needs a force to act on it; in this scenario, we can either choose the Atonement of Jesus Christ or the influence of Satan to change our paths. Even if we only have the desire to be good, even if we can only long to escape the wickedness in which we were raised or fell into, we can allow the Atonement to change our hearts so that we "have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually"(Mosiah 5:2).  On the other hand, we can allow Satan to undo our progress if we find his way more enticing.

So yes,  people make poor choices because of factors relating to both nature and nurture. But any given choice doesn't define a person; it is their progression through their choices that determines what they eventually will become. Our Father sees us in the context of our eternal existence, and He would never let someone fail to return to Him simply because of the circumstances of their mortal upbringing.  Like the parable of the talents, our test is whether or not we can improve on what we've been given (both internally and externally), and the only way to improve on who we are is to allow the Savior to change our hearts through His Atonement. And we're in luck! The omnipotent, omniscient God of this universe is intimately involved in the details of our lives, helping us to reach a point where we're willing to accept grace. We aren't born into optimal circumstances, but He planned for that, and if there is an conceivable way that we will choose to return to Him, He knows it and will help it come to pass. AND, we don't only have this life to determine where we want to be, hence there are missionaries in the spirit world. In short, Heavenly Father is very good at bringing to pass the immortality and eternal life of man!

So the real question is, did we like our pre-mortal childhood enough to return to it again? Our souls remember our pre-mortal upbringing; are we willing to nurture the good foundation we had before this life, or do we find this fallen world more enticing? Are we willing to start where we are and head towards the light, however distant it might be?

Are we willing to accept the Atonement of our Savior?