Worth of a Soul

For my birthday, my parents insisted that my sister take me out to dinner and a movie for them. In fact, my father insisted on a specific movie, namely McFarland USA, another one of those underdog/true story/athlete movies. "Try to get out tomorrow afternoon and see the movie. It is uplifting and you'll like it. Sometimes you need that," he said.

Man! It was good, but boy, it was absolutely exhausting.

When you watch movies, do you connect them to real life? As you're seeing events and getting to know characters, do you connect them to people that you know and love already?

Watching McFarland USA, I kept remembering all the people in my life that were born to difficult circumstances. From the moment that they entered this life, the odds were stacked against them, and they have been struggling ever since. Some of them have managed to rise above their circumstances. Others are slave to them. A lot of people are in between the two extremes, increasing or decreasing their talents (in bible terms) at different rates.

The point is that as great as McFarland USA was, a lot of underdogs don't ride off into the sunset. And what often makes the difference between their success and failure? In the case of the McFarland track team, Jim White was the difference. In general, the difference is one person that is willing to dedicate himself to a seemingly impossible cause. I care about people so much that I want to make that difference. But as an individual, what cause do I champion? What impossibility do I dare to entertain?

Because here's the problem; the world will never be perfect, and at any given point in time, someone will always need something. If I try to save everyone, I become like a candle trying to warm the face of an icy land; spread the heat of a candle across the face of a world, and the candle is extinguished and the world no warmer. But yet I continue to try! I feel the suffering and injustice within my own small sphere, and I cry out, "how can I possibly rest when others are suffering? How can I possibly take time for myself when someone's life could be better because of me? How can I selfishly look out for my best interests when I've already been given privileges that others can only wish for?" 

This struggle makes me appreciate the Savior all the more. He was strong enough to give us the Atonement, strong enough to carry us with all of our pain and sin. I cannot even withstand a smallest part of that burden. But again, I ask, "How can I take care of myself instead of someone else, even if I'm past my breaking point?" When I think of the world, I feel the pang of lost potential. It doesn't matter to me if I'm trying really hard, or if I've "done my part." People are what matter to me, not the effort I put into them, so I will literally run myself into the ground before accepting that I cannot change their circumstances.

And that's wrong.

Two things. First off, it really is the Savior's job. I cannot and should not try to be the Savior; that's diminishing the sacrifice that He gave. A part of having faith in the Savior is trusting that He can take care of our Father's children. By no means should we become complacent; often, we turn a blind eye to suffering because we feel satisfied with ourselves. Rather, we should approach life with the idea of achieving the ultimate good.

Because secondly--and this is something that I need to understand better--we literally cannot comprehend the worth of a human soul. Even mine. The ultimate good isn't a matter of statistics. There is no trade that would make the sacrifice of my soul worth it, because the infinite worth of my soul cannot be outweighed by even an infinity of other souls. No soul can be sacrificed in the name of goodness. In giving up my own well-being for another's, I deny the Atonement of Jesus Christ, the Son of God who has already paid for my life and happiness. Who am I to reject His gift of happiness? who am I to tell the buyer that His goods aren't worth the ultimate price that He paid?

I will spend my entire life trying to serve God as well as my spiritual brothers and sisters. I remember those that feel they can't succeed, that are blinkered by circumstances beyond their control. I remember those that don't even have horses to ride off into the sunset, let alone a teacher to show them how. And not only do I remember, but I will try to remove the blinkers, to provide the horses and training. I will try to be a Jim White, because it is denying my power as a child of God and their worth as human beings if I decline to serve my fellow men. But I will not try to be the Savior (or at least I will try not to try to be the Savior). His burden would crush me, and my soul is irreplaceable. And just because I take time to be well, doesn't mean that others will fail; I will trust my Savior to take care of them too.

But here's a question for you; when you walk away from inspiring movies, does it feed your complacency or drive you to greater heights?