Worth of a Soul

For my birthday, my parents insisted that my sister take me out to dinner and a movie for them. In fact, my father insisted on a specific movie, namely McFarland USA, another one of those underdog/true story/athlete movies. "Try to get out tomorrow afternoon and see the movie. It is uplifting and you'll like it. Sometimes you need that," he said.

Man! It was good, but boy, it was absolutely exhausting.

When you watch movies, do you connect them to real life? As you're seeing events and getting to know characters, do you connect them to people that you know and love already?

Watching McFarland USA, I kept remembering all the people in my life that were born to difficult circumstances. From the moment that they entered this life, the odds were stacked against them, and they have been struggling ever since. Some of them have managed to rise above their circumstances. Others are slave to them. A lot of people are in between the two extremes, increasing or decreasing their talents (in bible terms) at different rates.

The point is that as great as McFarland USA was, a lot of underdogs don't ride off into the sunset. And what often makes the difference between their success and failure? In the case of the McFarland track team, Jim White was the difference. In general, the difference is one person that is willing to dedicate himself to a seemingly impossible cause. I care about people so much that I want to make that difference. But as an individual, what cause do I champion? What impossibility do I dare to entertain?

Because here's the problem; the world will never be perfect, and at any given point in time, someone will always need something. If I try to save everyone, I become like a candle trying to warm the face of an icy land; spread the heat of a candle across the face of a world, and the candle is extinguished and the world no warmer. But yet I continue to try! I feel the suffering and injustice within my own small sphere, and I cry out, "how can I possibly rest when others are suffering? How can I possibly take time for myself when someone's life could be better because of me? How can I selfishly look out for my best interests when I've already been given privileges that others can only wish for?" 

This struggle makes me appreciate the Savior all the more. He was strong enough to give us the Atonement, strong enough to carry us with all of our pain and sin. I cannot even withstand a smallest part of that burden. But again, I ask, "How can I take care of myself instead of someone else, even if I'm past my breaking point?" When I think of the world, I feel the pang of lost potential. It doesn't matter to me if I'm trying really hard, or if I've "done my part." People are what matter to me, not the effort I put into them, so I will literally run myself into the ground before accepting that I cannot change their circumstances.

And that's wrong.

Two things. First off, it really is the Savior's job. I cannot and should not try to be the Savior; that's diminishing the sacrifice that He gave. A part of having faith in the Savior is trusting that He can take care of our Father's children. By no means should we become complacent; often, we turn a blind eye to suffering because we feel satisfied with ourselves. Rather, we should approach life with the idea of achieving the ultimate good.

Because secondly--and this is something that I need to understand better--we literally cannot comprehend the worth of a human soul. Even mine. The ultimate good isn't a matter of statistics. There is no trade that would make the sacrifice of my soul worth it, because the infinite worth of my soul cannot be outweighed by even an infinity of other souls. No soul can be sacrificed in the name of goodness. In giving up my own well-being for another's, I deny the Atonement of Jesus Christ, the Son of God who has already paid for my life and happiness. Who am I to reject His gift of happiness? who am I to tell the buyer that His goods aren't worth the ultimate price that He paid?

I will spend my entire life trying to serve God as well as my spiritual brothers and sisters. I remember those that feel they can't succeed, that are blinkered by circumstances beyond their control. I remember those that don't even have horses to ride off into the sunset, let alone a teacher to show them how. And not only do I remember, but I will try to remove the blinkers, to provide the horses and training. I will try to be a Jim White, because it is denying my power as a child of God and their worth as human beings if I decline to serve my fellow men. But I will not try to be the Savior (or at least I will try not to try to be the Savior). His burden would crush me, and my soul is irreplaceable. And just because I take time to be well, doesn't mean that others will fail; I will trust my Savior to take care of them too.

But here's a question for you; when you walk away from inspiring movies, does it feed your complacency or drive you to greater heights?  

Resurrected Dead Horse

Yesterday, I volunteered at the mental hospital. This facility is for patients struggling with various mental disorders, and each Sunday, they ask a different YSA ward to take care of sacrament meeting. It's a beautiful experience. As a cherry on top, I was asked to give a talk on faith and hope.

I love Heavenly Father; sometimes, He gives me talks as a huge hint as to what I need to work on.

At the hospital as I looked out over the congregation, I felt connected to them; I could see the pain and struggle in their faces, and I felt like in many ways, I was among kindred spirits. So I started to share things more personal that I had originally planned, saying something like this...

"Have you ever been in so much emotional pain that your  literal heart hurts constantly? To have no reprieve even when you sleep because you have nightmares every night? This was my life at about two years ago. It took tremendous effort to keep going, and I took on a study of Alma 5 in an attempt to find healing. I took particular interest in the difference between faith and hope.

Russel M. Nelson says, "Faith is rooted in Jesus Christ. Hope centers in the Atonement." This, combined with my personal experiences, tells me that the difference between faith and hope is the same as the difference between believing in Christ and believing Christ. Faith is a a belief in something true, whereas hope is the uplifting acceptance that something is true for me personally. Hope allows the Atonement to become effective in my life, because hope allows me to open my vulnerable heart to His healing power. 

The Savior lived, suffered, and died so that He could succor all of us according to our very individual needs. Choose to believe Him as well as believe in Him. He loves us, and even when it feels like there is no end to suffering, things get better through the Atonement of Jesus Christ."

As I gave this talk, I knew that what I said was true. I had first hand experience. I had felt the intense, undeniable healing power of the Atonement.

But do I feel so now?

The details of my story are different. A couple years ago, I learned about how the Atonement can alleviate pain. But now I need to learn more about how the Atonement can change my deepest fears and struggles. I haven't trusted my Savior like I should, and I haven't trusted my connection to Him like I should, preferring to listen to other people that think that they know what is best for me...I'm a slow learner. I'm grateful that Heavenly Father has found different ways to beat this dead horse; this dead horse is quite appreciative that through the Atonement, it can live again.

I'm grateful for those who support me. I have people that love me so much, and they have tried their absolute hardest to help me. But in the end, it is only my Savior that can help me. Only He and I, working together, can heal and change me. And this day, I choose to allow Him to make that difference. I choose to trust my Savior with my heart.

Believing Christ versus Believing in Christ

This next excerpt is from a blog post that I never posted, but I think I should now:

"This week, I went to institute. I didn’t necessarily want to—I was having a hard day, and I wanted to be alone—but one of my good friends had already agreed to come with me. This was a big deal because she isn’t active in the church, and so going to institute could be a really good thing for her. So despite my reluctance, I went. And not only did my friend come, but my nonmember Thai roommate came as well. It was too good an opportunity to miss.

I went to the Book of Mormon class, and I don’t know how powerful it was for my friend and roommate, but the lesson was really powerful for me. You see, I’ve been struggling with worth in a unique way. I don’t feel useless, on the contrary, I feel like Heavenly Father can use me pretty well. I feel like I benefit the human race. But I don't feel like I have any worth beyond my ability to help people; I view myself as a tool. My happiness and well-being aren’t important beyond the need for me to be of functional use to someone else. These feelings stem from a relationship that I had for the first part of college that was traumatic for me, and the thought patterns are deeply engrained.

But during institute, I caught a glimpse of what Heavenly Father wants me to see. It only lasted for a few moments, and it seemingly came out of nowhere, but it gives me a goal to strive for.

In a feeling of peace, He told me that I was good. I wasn’t irreparable, and I should trust His servants when they said I was good enough.

And then, in class, we read (1 Nephi 21:14-16);

But, behold, Zion hath said: The Lord hath forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me—but he will show that he hath not.

 For can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee, O house of Israel.

 Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.

The Atonement is real. I have a Savior that suffered and died for me, and His atonement covers me completely. I am not an exception to His love, and He doesn’t want me to suffer. He wants a contrite heart and spirit. He looks at the intents and desires of my heart. I am so imperfect and inadequate, but my efforts are what He sees. And I love Him so much! I want to spend my existence serving Him! My truest joy comes from drawing closer to Him and seeing others do the same. I have “no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually” (Mosiah 5:2).

It’s an interesting experience to have the Lord tell your spirit something that your mind and body can’t comprehend. I felt the peace in the message from my Heavenly Father. I felt the hope that comes with it. But once the message was over, I felt confused. I didn’t understand…my thought patterns for the past few years had told me something very different. The neural pathways of self-deprecation were thick and deep. But for a moment, Heavenly Father showed me a truth that I needed to learn to accept. Healing takes time, but through the Savior, healing is always possible. Instead of merely believing in Christ, believing the He existed and did wonderful things, I choose to believe Him. I choose to believe Him when He says that he can heal me. "

The Savior is real, and the His gift of the Atonement is real. I need to act like the Atonement is as real as the law of Gravity. I need to rely on His gift as much as I rely on the air I breathe.