Believing Christ versus Believing in Christ

This next excerpt is from a blog post that I never posted, but I think I should now:

"This week, I went to institute. I didn’t necessarily want to—I was having a hard day, and I wanted to be alone—but one of my good friends had already agreed to come with me. This was a big deal because she isn’t active in the church, and so going to institute could be a really good thing for her. So despite my reluctance, I went. And not only did my friend come, but my nonmember Thai roommate came as well. It was too good an opportunity to miss.

I went to the Book of Mormon class, and I don’t know how powerful it was for my friend and roommate, but the lesson was really powerful for me. You see, I’ve been struggling with worth in a unique way. I don’t feel useless, on the contrary, I feel like Heavenly Father can use me pretty well. I feel like I benefit the human race. But I don't feel like I have any worth beyond my ability to help people; I view myself as a tool. My happiness and well-being aren’t important beyond the need for me to be of functional use to someone else. These feelings stem from a relationship that I had for the first part of college that was traumatic for me, and the thought patterns are deeply engrained.

But during institute, I caught a glimpse of what Heavenly Father wants me to see. It only lasted for a few moments, and it seemingly came out of nowhere, but it gives me a goal to strive for.

In a feeling of peace, He told me that I was good. I wasn’t irreparable, and I should trust His servants when they said I was good enough.

And then, in class, we read (1 Nephi 21:14-16);

But, behold, Zion hath said: The Lord hath forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me—but he will show that he hath not.

 For can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee, O house of Israel.

 Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.

The Atonement is real. I have a Savior that suffered and died for me, and His atonement covers me completely. I am not an exception to His love, and He doesn’t want me to suffer. He wants a contrite heart and spirit. He looks at the intents and desires of my heart. I am so imperfect and inadequate, but my efforts are what He sees. And I love Him so much! I want to spend my existence serving Him! My truest joy comes from drawing closer to Him and seeing others do the same. I have “no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually” (Mosiah 5:2).

It’s an interesting experience to have the Lord tell your spirit something that your mind and body can’t comprehend. I felt the peace in the message from my Heavenly Father. I felt the hope that comes with it. But once the message was over, I felt confused. I didn’t understand…my thought patterns for the past few years had told me something very different. The neural pathways of self-deprecation were thick and deep. But for a moment, Heavenly Father showed me a truth that I needed to learn to accept. Healing takes time, but through the Savior, healing is always possible. Instead of merely believing in Christ, believing the He existed and did wonderful things, I choose to believe Him. I choose to believe Him when He says that he can heal me. "

The Savior is real, and the His gift of the Atonement is real. I need to act like the Atonement is as real as the law of Gravity. I need to rely on His gift as much as I rely on the air I breathe.