A New Appreciation for the Resurrection

I was watching a Mormon Message called Our Eternal Life today about the Plan of Salvation, and at one point in the video, the narrator mentions something about lack of a body separating us from Heavenly Father. I was confused by this idea, thinking about how we lived with Heavenly Father before we were born; last time I checked, we only have bodies after birth, not before it.

I went to discuss the thought with my roommate Deb Hutchins, a recent return missionary. She brought up a couple of ideas, such as the fact that to become like Heavenly Father we need bodies; in this way, lack of a body makes us less like Him and therefore further from Him.

At that moment, I realized something that I hadn't thought about before; follow my thought process.

In the pre-mortal world, we were spirits.

Heavenly Father is a physical being with a body of flesh and blood.

From my understanding, spirit matter is finer than physical matter and goes right through it...

I've probably never given Heavenly Father a hug.

As funny as it sounds, this realization made me so sad. I actually started crying. Yeah, maybe I'm a little ridiculous. But the fact of the matter is, I love Heavenly Father soooooo much, and it breaks my heart that I've never thanked Him with something so simple as a heartfelt hug. Through this, I have found a greater appreciation for the gift of the Resurrection from my Savior. When the Millennium comes and I get to be resurrected, I want to be righteous enough that I can walk up to my Father and give Him my first hug. I want Him to know that I am sooooo grateful for everything that He has made of me and used me for. He is my Father, and I am His daughter! I am so grateful for Him! I cannot express it! And as one of my friends wittily remarked, now I have something to add to my After-Death Bucket List: hugging Heavenly Father.

Prompted to Pray

There is something really special about being prompted to pray on someone's behalf. There have been a couple times in my recent past when I've been with dear friends who were drowning in their own suffering. I didn't know what to say to help them find peace. I knew how much they were loved, and I could see how bright their future was, but I didn't know how to convey this to them. Words about Heavenly Father and our Savior's Atonement made them retreat into their own pain (if it had any effect at all), but I knew that true comfort could come only from their Lord.

And then my Heavenly Father asked me to pray. As promptings often do for me, it came like a pinprick to my subconscious... sort of like when someone unexpectedly calls your name from across the room while you're focusing on something else.

We got down on our knees, side by side, and stayed quiet for a moment. And in that moment, the feeling in the room changed. It was as if we were in an office with our Heavenly Father, and He was waiting for the conversation to start. And when I opened my mouth, the Holy Ghost whispered to my mind and heart the words that I needed to say. I felt so close to my Father. I could feel His tremendous compassion, peace, and light encircle my heart. I could feel the blessings of my baptismal covenant as I represented my Savior by praying for and in behalf of someone else.

And by the time our prayer came to a close, I think that my friends could feel peace too. There were no more tears. There was no more tension. They were very still. In one case, when I began to end the prayer, my friend asked me to continue because of the beautiful spirit that was present.  In the other, we didn't move after the prayer ended, appreciating the feeling that lingered with us like the last echoes of music in a concert hall. In both cases, the spirit touched their hearts enough to bring them a humble desire to receive their Father's comfort; and not only did it bring all of us closer to our Father, but it brought us closer together. I am reminded of the scripture that says "where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them" (Matthew 18:19-20).

Our Heavenly Father loves His children so much. He does everything He can to help them. And it is His Spirit that can touch their hearts and bring them hope. It is the Atonement of His Only Begotten Son that can cleanse them. But when I was baptized, I made a covenant with my Savior to keep His commandments, remember Him always, and take His name upon me; as His servant, I represent Him and participate in His wonderful work to "bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man" (Moses 1:39). Everyone who has been baptized and confirmed does the same.

I am so grateful for the opportunities that I have to serve my Heavenly Father as well as those I love. I'm so grateful that I can learn from all the wonderful people around me and be a part of their lives. I find that as I draw closer to Heavenly Father, I cannot help but love all of His children; His love deepens my friendships. I testify that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is real, and I promise that our Heavenly Father speaks to His children everyday.

Serving the Savior When He was Alone

Jesus Christ.

I can't express how grateful I am for my Savior. Literally. I'm sitting here, and I cannot find words intense enough or fervent enough to express what is so precious to me. Our relationship has deepened beyond what I ever thought possible.

I think of how He suffered for me in the Garden, living my unique life in all its imperfection so that He could empathize with me perfectly. I think of how His love and sacrifice are rejected by so many.

I cannot find the words.

Everyday, I try to think of how I can show my gratitude. I try to live a happy, righteous life because I want Him to feel at home in it, not only now, but when He lived it in the Garden. I want to make my life as pleasant an experience as possible for Him to go through. My friends have heard me say this before.

A different perspective occurred to me today.

First off, put yourself in the Savior's shoes as He suffered in the Garden. As the Savior, you've never experienced the pain and guilt associated with sin because you are the only perfect human being that has ever lived. You're like a child in this way. You love your Father and His children so much that you are willing to suffer, though you know that it is the hardest thing that you will ever do.

You are truly alone for the first time ever. Your Father cannot be there for you as you take on the sins of the world. He sends an angel to comfort you, but He cannot be there.

And then you begin to suffer for every human being that has lived or ever will live on the Earth...one by one. You see as they see, feel as they feel, and vicariously do as they do in order that you may succor them and take their sins upon you.  How would it be to have God's infinite love while empathizing perfectly  with the worst of humanity? Empathizing as they raped, tortured, and killed your beloved brothers and sisters? To do so an infinite amount of times? To take someone's sins upon you, even though you know they will not accept your gift?

It would be beyond agonizing. So agonizing that it would cause even God to tremble. (Doctrine and Covenants 19:18-19)

Make it more specific. Imagine that your Savior is suffering as one of your friends when they are in their darkest hour. Your friend's head hangs low, their eyes full of tears and their heart dark with despair; Christ is anguished as He feels their pain, takes it upon Himself, and cannot alleviate it because of their agency.

But then, He hears these words.

"You are a child of Heavenly Father who loves you. He sent His beloved son Jesus Christ to live, suffer, die, and rise again so that you can be happy and return back to Heaven. I testify that if you come to Christ, He will help you through every trial. He will heal your wounds and bring joy to your soul. Life is hard, but you can do it! You can do it! He has already blessed my life a hundred fold, and He longs to do the same for you."

They--your friend and your Savior as He suffers for them--lift their gaze, tears falling and their vision clearing... and they see you.

Your Savior sees you through the eyes of another as He suffers.

He hears your words of encouragement. He sees how much you care, how hard you are trying to be like Him. He sees His gift of the Atonement working through you, changing you before His very eyes to become more like Him. He's grateful that you're grateful, and while He continues to suffer, He finds joy in your deliverance.

When looking through the eyes of another, I want Him to see me staring back at Him. I want Him to see His own countenance shining through my face. I want Him to see the fruits of the Atonement before He is finished, to see the changes that His sacrifice will make in my life. I want Him to see how deeply I love Him for what He's doing.

Because in some small way, I want to be there for Him when He had to be alone.

This perspective helps me too as I interact with my fellow men. Some people have no desire to come to Christ, and they do nothing redeemable that I would like being around them. And in those circumstances, it can be easy to brush them off or be less patient and kind. But if I stare into their eyes, knowing that my Savior at one point stared out of those same exact eyes and saw me staring back...I want to be as Christ-like, as patient, as good as I can be. If every time I make eye contact with someone else, I think of directly serving my Savior, then it will be so much easier to be like Him. After all, when you serve others, you are in the service of your God (Mosiah 2:17).

How (in part) Heavenly Father is Fair When Life Isn't

I talk a lot about how grateful I am for the people in my life and the experiences I have. I've been extremely blessed. I've always been surrounded by wonderful people that I can learn from, and I've always had the gospel in my life. And like anyone else, I'm strongly shaped by the circumstances of my birth and upbringing.

But I also realize that not everyone has stellar backgrounds. Some people have childhoods that haunt them rather than bring them hope, and they don't want those early influences.

But here is something fantastic. None of us are inherently evil because all of us chose to follow our Savior before we were born. The question is whether or not we want to continue following Him by using His Atonement, and "following Him" is a description of progression, not of individual circumstances or choices.

All of the good choices that we made in the pre-mortal life predispose us towards returning to Heavenly Father, whether or not we remember those choices. This experiment demonstrates that point:

There is a condition called anterograde amnesia where people cannot form new memories. In an experiment, patients with this condition were asked to rank six pictures in order from least liked to most liked, and after doing so, the test administrators asked them to choose from their third and fourth preferences for a copy that would be sent to them later in the mail. After the patients chose, the administrators would leave and come back a half hour later, verify that the patients remembered absolutely nothing (including which picture they would own), and then would administer the test again. Oddly enough, their preferences changed. The picture they had chosen to own earlier suddenly was ranked more favorably, and the picture they hadn't chosen was ranked less favorably.(The Surprising Science of Happiness)

In short, they had genuinely changed their desires with the choices that they had made, even though they couldn't remember.

And in spiritual terms, Elder Holland put it this way:

"We must always remember that these investigators, every man, woman, and child, were among the valiant who once overcame Satan by the power of their testimony of Christ! So when they hear others bear that witness of Christ’s saving mission, it has a familiar feeling; it brings an echo of truth they themselves already know."(Jeffrey R. Holland, "Missionary Work and the Atonement)

But then why do people make poor choices? If we have a good foundation from before we were born, why do we stray from it?

First off, let's make one thing clear: our final judgment isn't on whether our hearts are perfect yet--if we had perfect hearts, we wouldn't succumb to sin, and very few of us will reach that point before the first resurrection--but rather we are judged on the direction we are headed. In other words, we are judged on how willing we are to use the Atonement of Christ. Elder D. Todd Christofferson put it beautifully:

"Our invitation to the world is to come unto Christ. Coming unto Christ is an abbreviation, a way of describing in three words the plan of salvation. It means to obtain the fruits of His Atonement and Resurrection—ultimately eternal life. Eternal life depends on the exercise of our moral agency, but it is possible only through the grace of Jesus Christ. To come unto Him means to do what is required to lay hold upon that grace—the pardoning, sanctifying, transforming, redeeming power of His infinite, atoning sacrifice." (D. Todd Christofferson, "Why We Share the Gospel")

This brings me tremendous comfort. We all have a good foundation from before we were born, and it doesn't matter if we start in unequal circumstances, because "coming to Christ" is a direction that can start from any position. And indeed, we all start from different positions in life, hence I loved my childhood whereas some people try to escape theirs. Even our starting velocities are different in part because of our initial positions; because I was exposed to the Gospel early, I could start life by heading directly towards Christ, whereas someone raised in a abusive, drug-addict home might start life heading in the wrong direction. After all, as children we tend to accept the directions and habits of those around us.

But our acceleration is what counts. A person can spend their whole life doing  bad things--heading in the wrong direction--but if they are doing less and less bad things, their acceleration will ultimately turn them around and bring them closer to Christ.  And for an object to accelerate, it needs a force to act on it; in this scenario, we can either choose the Atonement of Jesus Christ or the influence of Satan to change our paths. Even if we only have the desire to be good, even if we can only long to escape the wickedness in which we were raised or fell into, we can allow the Atonement to change our hearts so that we "have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually"(Mosiah 5:2).  On the other hand, we can allow Satan to undo our progress if we find his way more enticing.

So yes,  people make poor choices because of factors relating to both nature and nurture. But any given choice doesn't define a person; it is their progression through their choices that determines what they eventually will become. Our Father sees us in the context of our eternal existence, and He would never let someone fail to return to Him simply because of the circumstances of their mortal upbringing.  Like the parable of the talents, our test is whether or not we can improve on what we've been given (both internally and externally), and the only way to improve on who we are is to allow the Savior to change our hearts through His Atonement. And we're in luck! The omnipotent, omniscient God of this universe is intimately involved in the details of our lives, helping us to reach a point where we're willing to accept grace. We aren't born into optimal circumstances, but He planned for that, and if there is an conceivable way that we will choose to return to Him, He knows it and will help it come to pass. AND, we don't only have this life to determine where we want to be, hence there are missionaries in the spirit world. In short, Heavenly Father is very good at bringing to pass the immortality and eternal life of man!

So the real question is, did we like our pre-mortal childhood enough to return to it again? Our souls remember our pre-mortal upbringing; are we willing to nurture the good foundation we had before this life, or do we find this fallen world more enticing? Are we willing to start where we are and head towards the light, however distant it might be?

Are we willing to accept the Atonement of our Savior?

Colored by Childhood

Last week, I bought some fresh green beans for the first time. When I cooked them, it really surprised me how much genuine pleasure I had in their texture and taste. Let's be honest; how many of us taste any plain vegetables and just melt because of how good they are?

My positive reaction to green beans wasn't necessarily because of their virtue, but rather because I was overwhelmed with memories from my childhood. I remembered going outside during the summer to search for green beans in our garden, picking through the snaking vines, verdant leaves, and dappled sunlight. My mom and little sister Alysia were there too; Stacy couldn't participate yet, so I was probably around seven years old. I loved it so much that I would imagine building a house with wire mesh walls and ceilings covered in green bean plants. After harvesting, I was always proud as I brought in a bowl of my finds  to my dad so that he could cook them.

I've been realizing lately how much my childhood memories affect my perceptions and connotations. I'll be sitting in the car, listening to music, and I'll react positively to an 80's song the comes on; then I'll remember standing in front of my house, hearing 80's music drift from the garage where my dad is working with his tools. Or on the other hand, a classical song will come on, and I'll remember my dad reading a newspaper on the couch while a recorded orchestra plays; I can't help but appreciate music that reminds me of these happy, warm moments.

A strong part of my identity is that of caretaker; I feel a strong need to take care of people and make sure that they're OK. My earliest memory--or at least that I can think of--comes from a pre-school activity where I went to the zoo. I was probably four years old, and we painted our own shirts before we went. Because my little sister Alysia was only a year old, my mom started off by helping her. In that moment, I realized that I was an older sibling, and I needed to take care of my sister. I realized that the world wasn't always about me, and therefore my thoughts shouldn't be either. It's the first time I can really remember feeling old--yes, I realized four isn't very old--and I'm convinced that feeling of age came because a part of my divine, eternal nature was activated. But this awareness came because my mom was taking care of my sister, and I knew that in a lot of ways, I should grow up to be like her. This childhood realization channeled the course of my life.

I have to wonder how much my family's scripture reading as a child influences just how much I love the scriptures now. I remember that at somewhere between 11 and 13 years old, I participated with the young women in a scripture activity, the oldest young women having taken seminary classes already. The leader would read a part of a commonly used scripture, and then we would race to see who could finish it. I remember being bewildered as time after time, I could finish the scripture. There was only one that I didn't know, ironically Alma 37:35, which counsels us to learn wisdom in our youth. In a flow of intelligence, these scriptures resonated with my core and somehow found their way out of my core in the form of words. At this time, I hadn't been able to finish the Book of Mormon on my own, but because my parents had lead family scripture study and taken me to church, I had been able to absorb a lot of spiritual knowledge that still brings me comfort and joy today.

I'm really grateful for my parents and for my childhood. I'm so blessed, and there have been so many people involved in helping me become ever closer to who I'm meant to be.

Angels--Yes, I Mean You

Certain times in life are more difficult than others. Personally, most of my struggles occur in my own head. It's like Satan is perched on my shoulder, telling me things that aren't true or are taken out of context... and for some reason, occasionally, I decide to listen to him. Instead of saying no from the very beginning, I hear him out as if he actually has something potentially valuable to tell me.

Yeah, I can be really stupid sometimes. But wait!

There's something really beautiful that comes out of this scenario. I stumble and fall, but there is always a loving Heavenly Father watching out for me. When I'm too distraught to hear Him speak, convinced that I'm not worth His time-- it's funny how I think that even though He lives outside time and has perfect love for me--He sends me earthly angels that can physically deliver the message.

This happened to me a few weeks ago. I was convinced that I was a wretched human being and there was no way that anyone could ever care about me. That darn Satan! He had me in some trains of thought that I never should have boarded. But Heavenly Father knows me, and He plans around my failings.

I had so many people reach out to me that week, and most of them had no idea that I wasn't doing well. I had phone calls, visits from old friends, visits from new friends, written notes, spoken compliments, chalk messages around my car, and an overwhelming display of love from those around me. I don't think that my friends really remember the things that they did--they're the sort of people that serve lovingly, instinctively, and without a second thought--but it certainly meant a lot to me.

At a time when I didn't feel like I could reach out to anyone, God sent angels to comfort me. In the eclectic assortment of people that reached out to me, I saw Heavenly Father moving in majesty to comfort a single one of His children. I felt not only love from those people, but through them from Heavenly Father. And as soon as I was willing to acknowledge the possibility of that love in my life, I could feel it and know that it was true.

Isn't it beautiful? Heavenly Father loves me, and He loves you. We are His children, and we are His top priority. He speaks to us. He finds ways to reach us when we feel unreachable. He reaches to us through the Holy Ghost, through His prophets, through scripture, through other people, through the very earth that we walk on...and on the flip side, we are often instruments in His hands.  He moves through us as we become in the smallest part like our Savior, serving Heavenly Father. We are all connected together and to our Father.

So when you're feeling down, open your heart to Him. Just be willing to look for His love for you. See it in the people around you. See it in the beautiful sky, or the words that He has spoken to you in the past. Remember the wonderful things that He has done for you, the wonderful person that He has made of you, because I promise that there is a lot of good in you. I promise that He loves you, and He is doing everything that He can for you to grow and become closer to Him. Your life is meaningful, and there is a plan for you.

Spiritual Heat Capacity

A while back, I was talking to a good friend, and she was sharing some difficult things from her life; I could empathize, and I did so. Her words acknowledged that her situation wasn't so bad; yes, her life could be worse. Yes, she knew that God loved her. But despite her marginally positive words, I could feel bitterness dribbling out of her intent and pooling around our feet.

I wanted to say something helpful. No one likes seeing their friends suffer. I wanted her to be happy; Heavenly Father wanted her to be happy.

I've never felt so stupid in my life. I couldn't convey anything meaningful, even though I could feel it just beyond my grasp.

In the days following this experience, I pondered the experience. I'm not stupid, and there are times when I can feel light flow through me, telling me exactly what I need to say and do. So why didn't it happen?

And then I learned a lot of things; like, A TON. I could feel a flow of intelligence starkly different from the memory that I contemplated. I learned about bitterness, hope, and....heat capacity.

CAUTION; this is the part where I explain how Heavenly Father used physics to teach me a spiritual concept.

In thermodynamics, the study of heat, there is a property called heat capacity. A material with high heat capacity requires a lot of energy transfer for temperature to change, whereas a material with low heat capacity easily changes temperature. For example, water has a high heat capacity. Metal has a low heat capacity; this is why you can burn yourself on a  metal pan before the water inside it is even warm.

My spiritual heat capacity depends on how close I am to God. The closer I am to Him, the more negative energy it takes for me to be affected by the bitterness of others. The more I let Him change me, literally convert me into someone more like Him, the more resistant I am to worse influences. The closer I am to Him, the more power that I have to call upon to resist temptation.

Jesus Christ has a perfectly infinite spiritual heat capacity, hence he could take on all the sins of the world without being enticed by them. He took all our sins upon Him, and instead of becoming sinful, He just loved us all the more. God is love! (1 John 4:16) When I was talking to my friend, I drew closer to my friend's perspective than God's perspective, lowering my heat capacity and decreasing the light that I could have and share. I didn't just empathize with her bitterness, I was enticed by it. But life is good! God is good! There is no real reason to be bitter, everything is for our good! (Doctrine and Covenants 122:7)

I'm so grateful for Jesus Christ! I'm so grateful for the Atonement!

The Beginning

I've thought about starting a blog a few times before now, but I kept running into the same problem; why in the world would anyone care about what I have to say? After all, posting on the internet implies that I think people would or should be interested in my thoughts. Who am I to believe that?

Well, in short, I am just like everyone else; it's fantastic!

 I love getting to know people. It fascinates me that everyone that I've ever made friends with, glanced at, or passed unknowingly has an eternal soul as unique and beautiful as a snowflake. They have memories that burn bright with feeling, and  dreams they can hardly dare to entertain. They have regrets, and sacrifices, and reasons for everything that they do. And just like the stark, crystalline moment  when I see a snowflake before it melts, I glimpse how beautiful people are in time for our paths to part.

In any given moment, I see people as they have never been and never will be again; they constantly change and grow, affected by the world around them and the world inside them.

Isn't it amazing? We're surround by souls that constantly change and ALWAYS matter. That guy who works in the cubicle across the hall? That girl who makes your sandwich at Subway? They have unlimited potential, and their very existence changes lives. That person on the class role who never seems to come? He is constantly living and feeling and needing something, even when you're not thinking about him, even if you've never seen his face. And throughout all this, there is a loving God that moves in majesty with omnipotence, omniscience, and a perfectly loving heart; He takes care of all of us because we are His number one priority. It's absolutely fantastic, complicated, and beautiful!

I am surrounded by so much wonder, and I want to drink it all in. I want to understand it, share it, and create it. I want to serve God as best I can because I'm so grateful for everything that He has given me. I've noticed that as I draw closer to Heavenly Father, the joy that I find in His truth multiplies, and I can't help but want to share something so life-altering and happy. And as I share it and live it, I create a life that I'm so happy to have.

So yes, I'm just like everyone else. It means that I'm unique, and I have something to offer the world. And along with this idea, all of you also have something valuable to say. I appreciate hearing different perspectives, because I certainly don't know everything, and I learn something from everyone in my life. So if you disagree with anything I say or have something to add, let me know please! I want to grow and learn.